孤傲的王子

2008-11-30T23:15:00.000-08:00

my friend's grandmother died recently, and her death deeply affected me. this is a close friend of mine. since third grade, we have been close friends. perhaps not best friends, since we never really went to the same school, and when we did, never talked in school, never were in the same class. but we were close. he lived above me.

i still remember the times when internet was all dial up. i'd call him at 8 in the morning, if he were online his phone would not get through, and i'd go up to his house. it was fun times. it was the times of neopets, the time of innocence. once, he overslept, by a lot, and i called every 5 minutes. the phone in his house rang every 5 minutes. fed up, i went upstairs, and knocked on his door. someone opens the door. it was his grandmother. she was really angry, becausing i was disturbing her grandchild's sleep.
but thats the only time i ever saw her angry. she's a really nice person. in fact, i felt like her own grandson sometimes. often i'd stay in his house for her porridge, and yes they were godly. till now i have to say it was the best ever.

this woman has dedicated her life to the betterment of society, even after she moved back to china, she had continued to strive for society.
and yet, she died. so suddenly. she never woke up from a coma.

i salute her. i respect her. and even though she will gradually get erased from my memory over the years, she has deeply affected me. quoting from keith hawkins: the words you say will be forgotten, but the feeling you give them will not.

her death. has led me to rethink my views on life.
just exactly, what is the point of life. what is the meaning of life.
a good person dies. a good person dies without a chance to say good bye to her family.
all the people in the world, since the start of eternity, who has not died?
everyone's life is simply to reach the final destination - death.
its just what one does in the journey.
journey to death.
knowing ones impending death, would one be able to enjoy his last days?
should one study hard, or should one try to enjoy as much as one can?
i might just get knocked over by a car tomorrow, and never see the world again.
i might die.
any second.
so why do homework, why study? why do the things that is for the betterment of our future? why?
because the chance of dying is not much, but... still. there is a chance.
now that i think of it, why do we even want to enjoy anything? why would we want the material possessions? why do we want anything?
material possessions will always be simply possessions. what is the point if you know u're gonna lose it in the future. whats the point of enjoying, if once you die everything is lost, and you wont even be around to say "hey guess what i enjoyed bla bla bla".
if a person dies. nothing is left, but sorrow.
death earlier or later. makes no difference.
sorrow.
why do people want pretty girls? dont all of them grow old? they become ugly, wrinkled, and they die.
why?
i question life. i question the meaning of life. i question myself.

i wanted an ipod touch. but then i realised, why listen to music? does it give eternal happiness?
no it does not. does it give me temporal pleasure? perhaps.
recently ive been tryin to burn some fat, put on a bit of muscle, albeit to no avail. but now that i think of it, why?
why would i want to do that?
look at arnold schwarzenegger. there is a picture comparin his glory days to his body now.
theres really no point if all are gonna end up like him.

i love this girl, like theres nothing else in the world. this girl. i know not why i love her, but i know i do. maybe coz shes just too cute, maybe coz her character is so perfect. but i do.
then i question myself. whats the point. i know not.
but i know i do. i'll do anythin to get her heart. but no. its not possible.
it'll be better if i give up. but i chose not to. i might die tomorrow. and i might never get the chance to even profess my love. but i choose not to say anything. i really dont know why.
but yes. i love her. with just one blemise. i dont know why. i dont know the point of loving her. i will die. so will she.
perhaps all i wish for. is to die with her. next to her.

someone, convince me of an afterlife.
and
please tell me the meaning of life.
else if, i'll never be able to fully enjoy life.
thank you.

and again. to the old lady who has affected the people around her, who has done her part in society, in an attempt to save society from their ultimate demise. I SALUTE U. rest in peace.

2008-10-16T22:17:00.001-07:00

uh. i decided im a very disproportionate guy. my right triceps is bigger than my left triceps, my right forearm is bigger than my left forearm. but. my left chest is bigger than my right chest, and my left tummy is bigger than my right=.=

2008-10-13T21:37:00.001-07:00

who, who exactly can i depend on?
im really tired standing up on my own.

2008-10-13T10:58:00.001-07:00

lol joke of the year. my mum is refusing to let me wear my hoodie coz she says its not cold enuff. and the sun is too hot.
1. im not GOING UNDER TEH SUN.
2. i dont look sickly in a hoodie.
3. yes i know i have a lack of clothes but thats ur fault, not mine. dont scold me "u hav nothin to wear durin winter"
4. ur tactic of makin me feel bad everytime. IS IRRITATING.
5. i dint sweat wearin hoodie. now im sweating coz its so IRRITATING.

2008-10-13T10:33:00.001-07:00

i hate u. i hate u all.
yes. including you. and you.

2008-10-12T20:13:00.001-07:00

I NID TO FUCKING BURN FAT.
everything's hidden.
not everything. but somethings. ARE HIDDEN.

2008-10-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

forget it. fuck the world.
JUST FUCK. FUCK. AND FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK
FUCKING HELL CBFF
KAN NI NA BU CHAO CHEE BYE.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

2008-10-10T22:46:00.001-07:00

WE WON WE WON WE WON!!!!!!!!!!!! 20-16.

2008-10-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

my ears are gone.
im deaf.
toally deaf.
peprally. sitted right infront of the speakers...
waseh the girl's voice is so high im totally deaf. damnz.
and the song they played.. when the football players came out. was eye of the tiger!

its homecoming game tonight. i hope we win, but i heard vchs is good...
tommy hansen. hope he does well.
i love westview. but im not at the game coz. i'll prolly get pangseh-ed.

2008-10-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

being in the united states is causing me to lose my closeness with politics. for some reason i am unable to comment on the current politics in the united states, not because i am afraid of anyone, but because i can't find anything interesting to say about it.
it is true, that the election is going on, but weirdly, i have not been focusing on it much. a lot of things are simply hear-say and i could not possibly give my opinion based on simply, well, nothing.

however i would like to comment on the school's policies.
we are being asked to donate money for the labs that we are doing, because our budget has been decreased to less than 10k from 17k. that is for the entire science department.
i believe it is apparent that the housing taxes do include taxes for school, paid to the district, and this amount is not exactly small. in fact, it is not much lesser than that i paid in singapore.
Mr rankin said that because we are doing "AP" labs, we ought to contribute because the bulk of the budget is spent on AP CHEM and AP BIO labs.
This brings us to another point, the majority of students are doing somewhat lower quality labs and therefore do NOT require as much money.

2 issues i have here.
1. where did all the money go, the school facilities aren't as good as that of HCI, the school teachers are getting paid less, no other subjects require labs, so why only 17k last year and 10k this year? whos embezzling the money? or is it spent on something that i do not know of?
2. the claims that ap labs are expensive is real, but that does not mean we lower our quality, by reusing SLIDE COVERS. that has resulted in me observing scratches instead of amoeba. not to mention the equipment we have here are a long way from the technology in hci. HPLC, flame test machine, thousands of microscopes, everything. What kind of education is this? sure, the theory part is indeed more in depth than that of singapore, though not by much considering this is the equivalent of J1 in singapore. but the labs part, are u kidding me? even using PAPER TOWELS are limited? noway.

so. anyways. where did the budget go to? and wher did the entire california budget go to? we already have the highest taxes. where is the money? if we owe banks money, shouldn't we be free now that banks are collapsing? come on. give us the budget.

arnold schwarzzenegger, cutting education is NOT the way to go.
for the future of california, for the future of the united states, save the next generation.
stop cutting education. cut high-rankin officials' salaries. that might actually work and not get too much dissent.

2008-10-08T18:54:00.001-07:00

we had this new stdent luncheon today... to get new students together so they can interact with one another...
yet.. they just took the pizza. and left. totally..pwned.
so i was a "new student" so we can just slack off. coz they're interactin with new students like ME.
lol.

i kinda... nid help on am lit. damnz. haiz.
screwin everythin up.
i gotta... buck up.
slept at 1 ystd, still cant finish hw. got pissed, and went tosleep...
zz.
gotta get some political issue to talk about. xD
but not free now. gotta read my am lit book and TRY TO GET MY OWNING POWER back..

2008-10-07T19:05:00.001-07:00

yet another school day.
all i can say is.
apo rocked the world.
so beautiful today.

happy birthday :D

piled down by homework.
i did make an effort.
i really did.
i still suck. lol.
cant finish the hw. cant be bothered to finish. dont want to. tired. everything.

2008-10-06T23:31:00.000-07:00

maybe. maybe. just maybe.

love doesnt even exist.
i dont love her.
at least not anymore.
its. the end.
the heart cant be broken.
it was never whole.

2008-10-06T17:31:00.001-07:00

life is hard. life is boring. life sucks.
thats what i always say. but look isnt it true?
im just a whiner.

idk if apo's gonna read tis but im gonna do it all the same.
生日快乐。
well its tmr but yea. :D
u are the most awesome girl ever xPpP
hehe.

ithink.. lifes been good to me. other than the fact that ive got a shitload of hw and porlly cant do anyhtin after bloogging coz ive got NO TIME left, that i get a fucked up sorethroat, that i emo daily coz of CERTAIN STUFF, that i sucked at SAT etc.
but overall. otehr than the stuff which life sucks. lifes good :D lOL

subbaih tooks points off. coz i put n belongs to the set of Z.

he says he doesnt know what Z is coz i dint define it. firstly he uses R for set of all real. secodnly R and Z are both internationally recognized.
his reply was. "i make the rules"
wth.
he says collegeboard doesnt accept. urgh. idk.

guaiacol stinks.
uh. stats is boring. apush sucks coz i suck at it.

lalala.
i love voldemort

2008-10-05T22:54:00.001-07:00

so... everything's over.
did it end up in failure? i don't know.
all i know is, this is just the beginning, not the end.
so long i have waited for the day of liberation, so long i have waited, and struggled.
but it did not feel like liberation.
it felt like moving from one prison cell to the next, and i might move back into the same prison cell in two weeks, if i end up, dead.
this is a cell for life imprisonment, with no parole.

mum chasin me off. bye.

2008-10-02T23:14:00.001-07:00

wish me good luck for the SATs. its in less than 40 hrs.

2008-10-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

i have got so much on my mind idk how to put it into words.

2008-09-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

i wanna cry, but im too weak to cry.
why must it be like this?

2008-09-27T16:18:00.001-07:00

im extremely calm now.. and somewhat tired.
but i was extremely pissed half an hour ago.
how do u motivate a person to improve?
more specifically how do u motivate a person to improve his SAT score?
any ideas?
whats the chance of scolding, telling the person hes not gonna make it, even the noob sku swont want him even though its obv they will, saying that he should go home and redo all the sats he has taken thus far, etc, being helpful in making a person improve.? near 0. this not onli affects the self esteem of the person, it also results in the person despising your antics and the overall effect is rebellious and could result in even lower scores in the real SAT.
the sat is in a week. exaclty a week.
oh and i forgot to mention, telling the person hes on the computer too muchw hen most of the time hes doing his homeowkr. telling the person hes going to the gym too much and at the same time drivin him there. expecting a person to do 15 minute work outs and still be happy.
okay bacj to topic.
its in a week. i still cant make it. i know why they are angry. i know why they are worrying for me. all i want to say is. like everything else, icant make it.
i am a failure in everything. i nvr succeeded.
and another thing i wanna say, i know ur intentions, but ur method is wrong. sorry but i rly cant react the way im "supposed" to act.

i took 2 tests today actually. in like 4 hrs. screwed up.
2170, 2340. the 2340 one is one i did b4.... and i misread 2 qns, and left 1 blank.
i have a tendency of FORGETTING to do the questions... zz. idk. i know i suck.
and for nearly a week, i couldnt concentrate nor sleep proprely. even if i sleep early i'll keep waking up. even if i try to concentrate i'll always go back to what im thinking. the person.

what hurts the most,
was being so close,
and having so much to say
watchin u walk away.

think i got the lyrics right..

drank this 5 hr energy thing. its like 100ml. like some drug liddat. couldnt feel its effects but i.. kinda lasted 5 hrs without feeling tired.. or hungry. not bad. wonder where i got my energy from. hope its not from the muscles. considering i have a severe lack of muscles alr.
zz.

ran 2 miles and played soccer ystd. ownage.

not gonna talk anyone. coz my mind is back to -secret-.
just cant stop it.
its killin me.
i'll die sooner or later. one way or another.
i just hope its not too painful.

<3 yes i love u. i wont love v,w,x,y,z or any one else. it shall always be u. evne if u dont know or care.

god bless me.

2008-09-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

its beenlike a few days.. life goes on.
so.. school's still normal. lifes boring. and im tired.
today was knda diff though..
stayed after sku for tutoring. in fact.. got done in like 15 mins. coz she onli had minor questions about tmr's quiz. i have a feeling shes gona do beter than me tmr... coz i rly dont listen in class....
then i joined apo and mish and.. tiffany? no idea why shes there. but still yea.
oh and jonny moreno. transfered from poway high for... credits. wtf.
lol and he says he wanna be a cop.
the way he looks at apo rly infuriates me. 色咪咪的。。。 lol.
but for some reason those 2 had a project together. so. i stayed and.. helped?
jon's grammar and vocab and general command of english... sucks like fuck. worse than ANYONE.
i shldnt inslut him but rly. as a student. in usa. ur english sucks.

lol. and he went off without diong shit
so apo's kinda screwed.
but i helped her and i think shes gonna be alright for her presentation tmr...
she thinks im nice haha. but.. i think im.. evil.
idk whether i tried my best today? coz when i started writing i did it rly fast? and b4 that i think i wasnt rly trying.
now that i look back. perhaps i dint want her to leave so early.
coz shes much better than home.
like what im doing now. typing shit on a computer. later studyin SAT.
so.. yea..

2008-09-22T16:05:00.000-07:00

im facing a dilemma. its just weird...
i love food.... like a lot. if i had the chance i would eat non stop... until i feel overly full...
and if i had the chance my calories would exceed 10k in a day.. but...
i'll grow fat. fat not as in. fat. but really fat. and thats not right.
so i gotta control the food that goes in. not just fat. but atherosclerosis, and in the future. other coronary diseases.
thats just contradictory...
i'll end this.
with this statement: all nice stuff int he world are either fat, immoral, or illegal.

2008-09-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

post for two days.
ystd was just normal. bombed apush, pretty much aced calc.
but the interesting ting happened after sku.
went wif kev to the bball courts. but since im cmi in bball.. went to play soccer.
with a bunch of freestylers.
and a freshman.
no offence but he cant play ball.
so at first kev and i was playing with two guys.. and we pwned their ass. its so freaking fun. showing off like shit. lol.
then josiah and shawn/shaun/sean whos in my bio class came over and we played 3v3.
point is. i no longer shine.
im still uncertain if i can make the school team.
pino was like "u play in my position, i teach u the tricks"
im fine with that. less than 2 montsh to tryouts...we'll see how.

umms and i got this extremely large blister on my foot.. hurts like fuck. and me being the paranoid piece of shit, im scared of infection.

this leads on to the next day. which is today. beach clean up was.. interesting. but ive got to wear SHOES coz im scared.. of infection. yea.
and they were like 30 mins late... zz.
too many cigarette butts.
in the end we got tired and started playin cards. should have brought mine.. hehe

well idk. bz day. im gonna start studying now. i shall turn into a geek.

2008-09-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

痴心绝对歌词：
想用一杯latte把你灌醉
好让你能多爱我一点
暗恋的滋味
你不懂这种感觉
早有人陪的你永远不会

看见你和他在我面前
证明我的爱只是愚昧
你不懂我的
那些憔悴
是你永远不曾过的体会

为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解
我又何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切
你又狠狠逼退我的防备
静静关上门来默数我的泪

明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会
我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天
直到那一天
你会发现
真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

曾经我以为我自己会后悔
不想爱的太多痴心绝对
为你落第一滴泪
为你做任何改变
也唤不回你对我的坚决

你，已经走远了。你，越来越远，直到消失到屋里去了。
那时，我望着你的背影。我是多么想与你走下去，在你身边，向未来迈去。但我知道，那几乎是不可能的。
每次见到你，我心中的快乐不是文字可以形容的。每次与你说byebye，我的心又像被刀割似的，有如世界将要永远灭亡。那一时刻，你为我留下的只有你那背影。
你的背影，是我唯一能够毫无保留地欣赏的，不含有任何尴尬，也永远不需要任何解释。
你那背影，展现出了你的魅力，因为你的存在，将你周围所有的人都显得如此通俗。
你代表完美。
每次望着的的背影，心里扑通扑通地跳着，被你的完美给迷住了。你的完美，就光用你的背影，都能显示出来。
我无法控制我的情绪，你不曾从我脑海消失，相信永远不会。
我不小心爱上了你。对不起。
但。我仍然把着我几乎等于零的希望，盼望有一天能够光明正大地欣赏完美，永远看着你，保护你。
对不起。

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-TimoCruz from Coach Carter, adpated from Marriane Williamson

2008-09-17T19:45:00.001-07:00

i foresee stupid stuff happening for the rest of the day. its 3.49 pm now.
guess why.. wesley, paul and i were in the same classroom for like 7 minutes which bodes badluck.

so yea i saw wesley and im like. its.. wesley right?
he dint know me and was surprised i knew who he was. i simply told him im smart.
then dear old paul came in. and totally ignored me. not that he should say hi.
LOL.

edit edit: i was right. dammit im crusehd by hw. why am i amoron to take 4 aps.

i still cant give up. idk why. tell me what to do.

inchrist,
Ji

2008-09-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

yea so we had a soccer meeting today... coughy's class was filled with people and for some weird reason. the smell of sweat. we all know that soccer is associated with sweat, but.. just a meeting. without soccer. wher did the sweat come from?
so basically... he was telling. that people without clubs have very little chance of makig the team.
im srsly in no mood to continue writing.

i feel numb. dumb. i no longer know what i want.
life's too touching and miserable.
i nid to learn to be less selfish and more sacrificing.
for everyone, for love, for the wellbeing of the world. i will attempt to change.
i dont know what i want.
god bless me.
motivate me to change.
to grow up.

2008-09-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

kinda losing motivation again.
schools still. school.
boring stuff.
calc is still revision of the blee math.
bio is weird. we are reusing the slides and slide cover for labs. so everything or almost everything i see. is... well. scratches.
the osmosis lab is weird too... people got -% and hes like no its impossible bla bla. forgot what happened but its weird.
apush sucks coz i have a low B in it. nid to buck up. but idk how. my history has nvr been good.... its kinda becoming like in singaopre except an A is at 90 instead. even harder.
and idk shit about the us of a.
stats is.. well. stats. still easy stuff.

so.. thers a soccer meeting tmr. marcus says my chances of making the team is slim. but imma gonna try anws. u nvr know until u try :D
zz.
i was in coughy's class and i was like MANCHESTER UNITED ROCKS. and there were like CHELSEA FANS in the room so they told me to "get outta here". hilarious.

maybe its impossible. maybe im just silly. but stuff like this cant be controlled. yes i like u. yes i want u. but i know its gonna be near impossible. i wont move. but i wont change my heart. one day u'll know. and one day u'll understand the true meaning of 痴心绝对。

我放弃。但我却不放弃。

2008-09-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

does pepsi contain alcohol?
抽刀断水水更流，举杯消愁愁更愁
my sentiments exactly.
实在是难以自拔。。。
the feeling of sorrow, of fear, of love.

will i ever..?

今晚的月亮再圆，再美，也敌不过你的漂亮

i cried.

2008-09-14T11:27:00.001-07:00

damn. this is seriously bullshit lol.
u are setting a time limit for me to finish my homework. wow. and start blaming me. for not finishhing it thus far.
wth.
should i remind u here that it was my completion of your tasks that dragged my homework?
should i remind u that it is because of other commitments that i have not fnished my homework?
should i remind u that by setting me a LIMIT my studies will be in jeopardy either because i am unable to complete and learn, or because i rush thru my work and still dont learn.
should i remind u this is precisely why life sucks because it is not a democracy. it is totalitarian.
the limited freedom i have does not show anything, because i still cant make my own decisions.
do remember that i am over the legal age of driving, and the prerequisite for driving is matureness. and therefore 16 is an age that is capable of making his own decisions.

apo tells me. and apo is the nicest person ever. to be nice to you. but so what? u'll be all happy and cheerful UNTIL i mention or want or do something that u dont like. and it all comes to zero again.

am i supposed to finish TWO sets of SATs which wont show a thing coz 1. the easy questions i can get them alr and 2. i still wont get the harder ones. what difference does it make?
i suck. fine.
no life bastard. fine.
what the hell. fine. im off to do my HOMEWORK by 1pm. and then i'll do ur SATs. happy now? happy midautumn festival yea?

surprisingly im extremely calm down. :D i love u mama. LOL
wtf.

and love hurts.
a lot.

2008-09-13T20:29:00.001-07:00

cut my hair today. i miss my hair. damn i sound like a girl.
so... idk what to say... dint rly do much. a SAT in the morning. grocery shoppin in the afternoon.
dinner was 饺子. ownz.
so today was a boring day.
oh and i told my parents about the... existence of homecoming. so they are like no they dont nid to be ur gf to go with u. O.o
lalala. to singapore people. 中秋节快乐！
to usa dudes. 中秋节快了tmr!

my mum dont like me buying deodorant and claims im too vain. and used the words 花心大萝卜。

i started laughing right there. and got scolded. lol

zz edit:
MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR the 11 year old girl (my piano student) and her friends are playing this lame game. whereby theres this box hanging there and they cover a person's head with a bag. then spin the person like a bazillion times... and then ask the person to hit the box. hilarious.
idk what its calle dthough. pretty interesting to watch. from my balcony.

edit2: theres candy inside.

2008-09-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

AGAIN. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. U WANT ME HELP U DO RESEARCH. I DO. FINE. I TELL U I COULDNT FIND ANYTHIN ON WIKIPEDIA, U SHOUT AT ME. ALL THESE WHILE I WAS HELPING. YOU. YOU. YES YOU. NOT ANY OTHER PERSON BUT YOU. WHAT THE FUCK DO I GET? SHOUTED AT. FOR WHAT? SIMPLY BECAUSE I COULDNT FIND THE SHIT U WANTED ME TO FIND. AND THEN START SHOUTING AT ME TO START STUDYING. WHAT SHIT IS THAT. BULLSHIT. NO. MAKE IT COWSHIT. NO MAKE IT DOGSHIT. WHATEVER.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. WASTE TIME HELPIN U ONLI TO BE SHOUTED AT. WASTE TIME HELPING U ONLY TO WASTE MY OWN TIME. WHAT THE FUCK.

okay guys off to SAT :D

EDIT: i just owned the SAT. its onw 11am. i started at 940. had 15 minutes of piano in between. i finished. 2250. i cant seem to get it any higherbut thats not the point. point is i finishsed SO FAST.

MY KEYBOARD IS SPOILING.

2008-09-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

dammit i just woke up. stop forcing me.
cnat i take 10 minutes to actually WAKE UP. rather than rushing my breakfast down and starting shit?

2008-09-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

im startng to lose motivation to blog again...
so yea. bio test. screwed.
apush test. screwed.
calc test. aced.
thats about it. everything was about tests today. stats was about PREPARING for test. damnz.
i feel dumb. wasted whole afternoon being emo and shit.

oh so today theres this man, prob in his 40s, who was telling me oh u could get bigger much faster if u swam bla bla. so im like okay. thanks.
but. he had a fucking big beer belly. and his arms arent that well built either. so...
who is he to tell me what to do!

so my mum had this weird shit feeling about buying listerine so we went to buy listerine at 10pm... and i went to wendys drivethrough.
first time lol. dman weird.
so my dad was saying if u dint have a car u would not be able to buy anything coz the sensor cant detect u bla bla. so im like. WAVE YOUR ARMS.
it was funny. but our car nids some perfume. smells weird now after the old perfume thingi ran out.
wendys double stack owns EVERYTHING in school. damn it shows how bad the school food is. but i cant be bothered to bringfood. so... yea.

oh yea and i went to see my counselor today, so havent got time to turn in teh csf forms... so asked mish to help.. haha and i saw her after school and she gave me a card. she was like. thats your 10 bucks. LOL. apo got my name wrong wtf. IF U EVER SEE THIS ITS JI NOT JEE. hehe. but she has nice handwriting lalala.

back to counselor meeting. wheni was there david was there and theres a girl inside the room. she took like a bazillion years to get out. so half of lunch is over. david only needed a signature BUT COZ I HAD AN APPOINTMENT he had to go AFTER lunch ended.
so the counselor and I talked about stuff. GPA, college, and stuff. her explanaations STILL DONT MAKE SENSE. okay not the point.
so.. after lunch dave was there. and we went to apush LATE together. using ONE late pass. kinda weird. anyways while we were waiting for the counselor to sign the stuff we heard the girl talking. yes that girl who TOOK HALF MY LUNCH AND MADE ME STARVE. seems she has a big problem. or her friend has it. but its rly bad. like bad influences and possibly drugs, sex and even pregnancy. idk though.

apush was the quiz but i finished early so i was studyin with/ talking to this jeremy person who is in my calc class. then i was talking to scruggs (the tcher) about GO (weiqi) club. and whether the ancient CHINESE EMPERORS were real. hes like oh coz chinese people think they are real, but we think they are just legends. IM like. THEY ARE REAL.
lol. actually im lying. they are probably fake. or part of it is fake. huangdi definitely dint have 4 faces.
well hes a cool tcher. nerdy way though.

homecoming is coming. what shit is that. ive got no idea what shit is that all about. and i cant be bothered/dont wanna/dont wanna make a fool of myself to ask anyone. damnz.
or maybe i did but i havent got a good answer.

yea. which ends with this two words. LIFE SUCKS.

will i have a chance?

2008-09-11T22:43:00.001-07:00

为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解。。。

no it doenst refer to anyone. or maybe it does.
either way. its a song lyric :D

2008-09-11T21:04:00.000-07:00

lol brian's Mens Health came into my mailbox.
same number wtf. dangerous...
builders are so dumb.
so.. just as i was wantin to read it MY MUM TOOK IT AWAY!!!

2008-09-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

i just realised i conveniently forgot to mention i got crushed by a gigantic barbell yesterday.
no it wasnt in my dreams. i rly got crushed.
and now. i have crushed lips.
I GOT CRUSHED NOT COZ I COULDNT HANDLE ThE FREAKIN WEIGHT. i got crushed coz i lost my balance. like i always do. and i will 敲脚 when i lose balance. thats hilarious.
damn nice.
and i got stepped on 5 times. on my big toe. by 160 pound people wearing cleats.
wtf a few more of this i'll become andrew fan - squashed toenails.

2008-09-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

im sad. sorrowful.
really its not wihtout reason. ther is a reason, but i cant tell u.
anyone.
maybe someone, but definitely not everyone.

so yea. plaintive.
sorrowful.

my heart. hurts.

edit: now i understnad why ti89s cost so much more than ti83s.
edit2: and subbiah teaches like way slower than otehrs. we wont nid 89s until 4 weeks from now. yet i hate 83s for STAT :(

2008-09-09T18:44:00.000-07:00

I HAVE A B IN APUSH.
FUCK.
i shouldnt have screwed up my.. founding brothers quiz i suppose?
but still. i did. so no time for all those crap.
theres frq tmr. gonna screw up too.
and i rly cant get anything from the book into my head.
so im pretty much screwed.
why dint i just take apel and us hist?
isnt it muche asier.
guess why. coz it affects the GPA.

lutgen gave a shitload of homework today. damn.
bio is pretty cramped too. but imma not doing it today.
apsuh.. well. studying for that freaking frq. i shall proclaim my hatred for frqs.
calc. is.. well. math. ive got free lunch. once i collect a few i should give a treat to some rly cool people. *ahem apo and co ahem*

so well. yea. fell aslp tryin to read apush. now i found some online outlines so im just reading htat. hopefully its enough.
edit: i gave up. damn.

anws kevin lian or however to spell his last name owns freestyle soccer.

im just. trying to stay cheerful.
but idk how...
there's always somethings that i want to say but i cant.
really.

2008-09-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

there are some things which i wanna say but i dont know how. they just cant be expressed in words.

2008-09-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

so... i guess.. if im not wrong. its a monday today.
im pretty sure im right actually. not senile yet...
so.. i was NEARLY late. but still.... when i got thru the gate and reached the library...
two girls were waiting to pounce and murder me.
they tied me up and start whipping me, and then cut off my meat and bbq-ed them.
okay that was bullshit.
but yea apo and ss were there... ready to.. rob me of my possessions HAHA.
so they robbed me of my possessions.
lol. then i went to get a ti83 from lutgen(tcher) instead.
ti83 sucks lol. like seriously. its functions suck, cant do shit other than stats. and well. sucks in all.
lol. but if i kept my ti89 for 1st period i'd be rly mean to ss lol.
or is apo more special.. hmm. idk. HAHA.

but stats is getting boring... maybe coz im still not fully awake at that time of the day. lol.
bio lab... worse. yea worse. coz its a lab. and theres nothing fun. just microscop-ing stuff. onli thing interesting was im 4th in class and i got 79/80 for the test... though i used like 1/3 of the time of other peopel... hmm oh.. the bio labs here. REUSE SLIDES. REUSE THE SLIDE COVER. full of scratches. and the tcher told up to let the cover drop. and pray there wont be air bubbles. i was like WHAT THE FUCK?

apush. is. scary. the. free response questions. are. scary.
not because i dno how to do them. i think brian docherty gave me enuff training for that.
but. COZ I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT US HISTORY AND JUST BY READING ONCE IS NOT ENUFF! damn. frqs this wednesday.
chapter 6 quiz tmr.
bio reading guide 7 due tmr.
damnz.

i... got free lunch in calc. free lunch coupon actually. at marios pizzas. interesting. coz i got an A and won the LUCKY DRAW or something like that.
96/100. hehe. still not bad considering i havent done math in years.
thats it. im home now.
the devil wears prada is on tv now. dun feel like watchin.
have loads of work to do. :(
-cries-

imu.

just to clarify stuff... i dont hate my parents THAT much. i just hate it when they try to control my life. most of the time they are nice people. sometimes they are nice people. but sometimes they r fucked up. like srsly. i dont rly study 24/7. in fact, i dont, which is why they get pissed. but when they are pissed they are rly fucked up. so yea.

2008-09-07T21:40:00.001-07:00

god. give me my freedom.

2008-09-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

interesting... alex is a cool dude. just that he pisses people off too easily.
and hes stronger than me. well. in some aspects.
but still. hes 50 pounds lighter than me...
this means. that i suck HAHA.
and for the first time he went into the sauna. and couldnt breath. what a nub. lols.
bench pressing is dumb to a certain extent, coz...
i will be unbalanced. and then i'll.... do stupid stuff. like rly funny. and i nid stronger arms.
damnz tennis players.
and dear ol' paul plays tennis too.
and daniel lee i think hes called.
so basically. i have weak arms.
n i nid to work on them.
very hard.

hope to see some progress soon.

EDIT: ALEX ISNT COOL. HES A DOUCHE

2008-09-07T12:13:00.001-07:00

I REPEAT. MY LIFE IS NOT ALL ABOUT SAT. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP WHILE I OFF MY COM.

2008-09-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

i have a dream.

i had a dream last night... i bought a mazda car. a new one =.= and my parents wanted an old one, so i was afraid to tell them or something like that. end of story lala. continue later.

2008-09-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

peer counseling retreat today. i'll try to stop rants. a friend told me its unhealthy.

so.. it was peer counseling retreat. not exactly a retreat but its quite okay i guess. pretty awesome. the people there are relly awesome too.
so we reached at 9. the new counselors or whatever. and its like lessson... on how to peer counsel, how to show you are interested and bla bla.
so there was one about using "i" statements and whatever, so they acted this perfect situation, like really perfect, if thats the case the world would have much lesser sorrows. so i muttered "its too perfect" and so club prez called me up and ask me demonstrate how.
okay pretty good right? i good actor oso hahaha.
budden we were in the staff lounge so dear old ******* was there. i think he just finished leeching the school gym. so... he was there. yea. so hes like LET ME AND JI DEMONSTRATE. THIS IS A REAL LIFE EXAMPLE.
i was liek FINE. what can you do to me.
i was wrong. he totally humiliated me, in front of two school counselors.
im not supposed to reveal what happened there, so yea thats it.
whatever happens at retreat stays there. however i think ben was rly nice :D so yea. i respect ben, a lot, and jes too.
great club prezs.
it was really emotional, i do not like to get humiliated. i was furious, a bit more and i may have been apopletic.
anyways. i think i can fully say.. the lunch rocks. to the extreme. pwned. subway is pretty good hahaz.
so.. thats all for the morning i guess. old counselors started getting in at arnd 12, and its pretty fun. but the point is, i introduced myself like 3-4 times.
i wanna erm... talk about powerwalk. nothign about what happened, but i think just saying what it is isnt gonna harm anyone is it.
powerwalk is basically... a person asks questions, and whoever who has done that thing b4 goes up and reflects for like 5 seconds then walk back. for example if i say who has gone to the beach, anyone who has gone to the beach will walk up, stand there for a moment and walk back.
it was really emotional because u have to try your best to be honest, of course the questions arent who has gone to the beach. it was rly personal, hurting, and sometimes we ourselves are afraid of what had happened. it takes courage, a lot of courage, to step up.
a few times, i faltered. i lied.
and i feel really bad. i was a coward.
enough of that emotional stuff, i made new friends. at least i hope i did. josiah owns at soccer, hes talented.
okay anyways thats pretty much it. life still goes on, and i look forward to a year of counseling.

i dreamt of ss last night. its really weird. im having weird dreams nowadays.
frying yogurt? yogurt world at utc? my dad was there? then i wanted to buy clothes? then ss disappeared and never came back. i guess i can relate to it somehow. like in real life situations, it seems to mirror what really happened.

thats about it i guess. my heart. i no longer feel it. overpowerd by ***.

2008-09-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

IM A PETULANT LITTLE KID RIGHT NOW. COMPLAINING WHAT EVERYONE COMPLAINS ABOUT. BUT I WILL EXPLODE SOON. SO PLEASE BEAR WITH ME.

let me state it clear here. MY LIFE IS NOT ABOUT SAT AND SAT. ITS TRUE I HAVENT BEEN STUDYING THAT SHIT A LOT NOWADAYS BUT THATS FUCKIGN BECAUSE I HAVE MY FUCKING HOMEOWKR AND UNLESS U WANT ME TO LOSE MY As AND GET A SHITSCORE FOR SAT TOO, TELL ME TO STUDY SAT MORE. AM I NOT LIFELESS ENOUGH? AM I NOT DEPRIVED ENOUGH? WILL YOU EVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT NOWADAYS? WILL YOU EVER KNOW HOW MUCH MISERY THERE IS IN MY LIFE? WILL U UNDERSTAND HOW ANTISOCIAL I AM AND FUCKING HELL I ALL INHERITED THAT FROM YOU? THIS IS MY LIFE. STAY OUT OF IT. JUST BECAUSE I CANT GET A 2300 FOR SAT DOESNT NOT MEAN IM A FUCKING FAILURE. JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO GO STANFORD DOESNT MEAN I CAN GET IN. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A DREAM DOESNT MEAN IF I CANT REALISE IT U MUST RUB IT IN LIKE SOME FUCKING ASSHOLE. FUCKING CHEEBYE. I AM HUMAN. IF RANKIN CAN SAY HE DOESNT RESPOND WELL TO CRITICISM BECAUSE HES HUMAN, I CAN SAY I DONT RESPOND TO DISPARAING COMMENTS AS WELL. RANKIN IS A GOOD TEACHER AND I AM A GOOD HUMAN BEING. FOR YEARS I WAS A SLAVE. A SLAVE TO GET GOOD GRADES. YOU THINK I AM HAVING FUN, U THINK I LIKE MY LIFE. BULLSHIT. LIFE IS FULL OF BULLSHIT. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE IN LIFE? DO I HAVE THE NECESSAERY SKILLS? NO I DONT. I REPEAT. I DONT. life is not. about. sat. I CAN STILL FUCKING DO WELL EVEN IF IM NOT MUGGING 24/7, AND YES IAM NOT. JUST BECAUSE I WATCHED A MOVIE ONCE THIS WEEK ON MY COMPUTER DOESNT MEAN EVERYTIME IM ON MY COMPUTER IM WATCHING A MOVIE. YEA SO WHAT IF I CANT GET 2300. I WANT STANFORD. I WANT A GOOD EDUCATION, BUT WHAT ABOUT FRIENDS? I HAVE NO FRIENDS. WHAT ABOUT MONEY? TEENAGERS NOWADAYS ARENT DRESSED IN RAGS ARE THEY? TEENAGERS ARE RICH. FUCKING RICH. PEOPLE CAN WORK, I CANT. SO THAT MEANS OH WHY DONT U STUDY UR SAT MORE SO NEXT TIME U CAN HAVE MONEY. NEXT NEXT NEXT TIME TIME TIME. LIKE YOU. YA. SAVE UNTIL WHEN THEN CAN ENJOY LIFE? ARTHRITIS? CANNOT GET OUT OF BED? WHAT IS MONEY FOR? HOW MUCH ARE PEOPLE EARNIG? HOW MUCH CAN I SAVE? ONE AND A HALF YEARS, HOW MUCH DO I HAVE? HOW LITTLE DO I FUCKING SPEND? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM TYPING NOW. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT. I JUST THINK THAT U SHOULD FUCKING STOP REMINDING ME I SUCK. REMINDING ME I CANT GET MY 2300 REMINDING ME THAT IM "JUST ANOTHER ASIAN", SO? IS IT MY FAULT? MAYBE I COULD HAVE FUCKIN WORKED HARDER. WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE AT THE TOP. ARE THERE NO PEOPLE DOWN THERE? I KNOW I CNA DO IT. I KNOW I CAN. BUT what if. I CANT? HIGH SCHOOL IS SUPPOSED TO BE ENJOYABLE. WHY ISSIT SO TORTUROUS? WHY? WHY. will u ever c hange? BACK IN SINGAPORE YOU WERE ALWAYS THE ONE WHO STOPPED ME FROM GIONG OUT. I HAD TO LIE MY WAY THROUGH. I HAD TO DO everything WITHIN MY ABILITY TO GET THAT LITTLE BIT OF FREEDOM. AND WHAT I RECEIVED WAS MENTAL TORTURE. TORTURE AND MORE TORTURE. WHY IS IT SOMETHINGS CAN BE COMPARED DOWNWARDS, OH LOOK THAT PERSON IS WEARING 50 CENTS SHIRTS. OH LOOK THEY CAN SURVIVE LIEK THAT. SEE THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO DO THIS, DO THAT. HAS IT EVER OCCURED TO YOU THESE PEOPLE ARE WEIRDOS? WHY MUST I COMPARE UPWARDS IF I MUST COMPARE DOWNWARDS ALL OTHER TIMES. GOIGN TOT HE GYM IS CALLED "PLAYING". WHAT BULLSHIT. TEEN AGE IS WHEN HORMONES FULLY DEVELOP AND STUFF. I KNOW WHAT I WANT, THERES NO NID TO REMIND ME EVER SO OFTEN THAT I SHLDNT GET A GF. HAS IT OCCURED TO YOU THANKS TO YOU IM SO ANTISOCIAL? HAS IT OCCURED TO YOU THAT IF I HAD MORE FREEDOM BACK THEN AND NOW I WOULD KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH SITUATIONS? U WANT ME TO TELL U EVERYTHING, BUT WHENEVER I TELL U EVERYTHING U WANT TO KNOW MORE U WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING. AND THANKS TO YOU SOEMTIMES IM LIKE THAT TOO. I GET IRRITATING TO PEOPLE. FUCKING HELL. FINE WHY AM I BLAMING YOU? COZ I LEARNT THAT FROM YOU. YOU BLAME ME. OR ANYONE WHEN THINGS GO WRONG. YOU ARE NEVER WRONG. EVEN WHEN ITS OBVIOUS. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME? HALF MY LIFE I TOPPED MATH. FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS I PWNED CHEM. LANGUAGES BEING MY WEAK SUBJECCTS, I TOPPED ENGLISH LAST YEAR. I GOT ALL As. WHAT ELSE? I WANT MONEY. IWANT FREEDOM. AND I WANT U TO KNOW IM NOT JUST A SPOILED KID, BECAUSE I WAS NEVER SPOILT. NEVER. I PLAY GAMES ALL ON MY COMPUTER, I NVR GO OUT A LOT, I NVR HAD A CONSOLE OTHER THAN THE GAMEBOY POCKET WHICH COSTED 80 BUCKS. MAYBE SPOILT ACADEMICALLY, BUT WOULD U REALLY CALL THAT SPOILT?

I. WANT. TRUE. FRIENDS. WHO I DEPEND ON AT A TIME LIKE THAT. BUT WHO ARE TRUE FRIENDS? RARE. VERY RARE. WHY WOUDL ANYONE WANT TO LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE'S SORROWS WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR OWN.

I PRAY FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE. FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE ME. AND FOR SOMEONE TO UNDERSTND ME. but i know im not ready. i have to finish my sat (by then my sorrows MAY have decreased by a quarter? maybe?) first, get my grades. i know i have not the financial means to do anything. i know. i. am. a douche. idk when i'll get the person i want, or will i ever. will people be understing? i dontk now.

F.U.C.K. T.H.E. W.O.R.L.D

我们肆无忌惮
我们成群结党
我们目无尊长
对什么事都不满
看著我们的成长
只会制造麻烦
我们就是一无是处看你又能怎样

我们don't give a damn
那看不起的眼光
我们什么都不是
我们什么都不管
我们之间为什么会渐渐地没有语言
我们之间有道墙

学校老师束手无策
父母臭骂我们不会想
这个社会的标准已经超出了我们这年纪的有限想象
只认定会读书就一定是好孩子的榜样
别以为看不起我们
就告诉自己比人家强
有多少人关心我们为何会走错迷失方向
又有谁会替我们想想苹果为何会变烂
其实我们
也曾努力
要争取所有人的称赞
扪心自问
你们究竟
给了我们多少希望

泪水已经流干
前途也很渺茫
迷失的灵魂
我们应该怎么办
惩罚我们就是堂皇的协助成长
然后让我们一生绝望

有些人幸运天生没有战场
我们一出世就是自己孤军作战
站在十字路口的风雨中呐喊
不要让我们一生绝望

2008-09-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

today wasnt as bad as i expected it to be. though the previous post still holds. lol
anyways i seriously pwned the 3 tests i had. 15/15 apush. bio i finisehd in 1/3 time of everyone else. calc i finished 1/2 time of everyone else, though i had a small error.
and i did in fact see people.

the whole day was about tests that im rly tired and i have nothing to say.

westview's first football match is tonight. may be going. most prob going. BUDDEN NID BUY TICS WTF.
lalala.
EDIT: not going liao =.= my day sucks again.

life sriously sucks. or rather. i have no life.

the secret life of the american teenager episode 10.
G: "i want you to wear a chastity ring. sot hat u wont have sex with me"
J: "that... goes on your hand right?"

OKAY ANYONE GET THE JOKE?

2008-09-04T22:26:00.001-07:00

does anyone understand the agony im in? does anyone understand that i feel inferior? does anyone understand anything?
WILL ANYONE UNDERSTAND ANYTHING?
WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR.
just when everyone is working, earning hundreds of dollars a month, i am forbidden by the u.s. law.
just when people can drive, driving everywhere enjoying life, i am forbidden to learn until after my SATs.
just when people go out with frineds, i am stuck at home, without a method of transport.
just when friends start appearing, i move to a new place.

its always different, always hard. always inferior.
whats up with the accent?
whats up with the OH YOUR ENGLISH IS SO GOOD.
mutha fuckers my english own everyone's
mutha fuckers i own EVERYYHITNG.
just that. i am unlucky, restrained, deprived.

i question life.
unfairness of life.
when poorer people get more money to spend? weird logic ya?
but i rly cant complain. perhaps its all for college costs?
i dont know. what i know is i will be a geek.
a fucked up geek.
nothing more nothing less.
my brain is there.
IN FACT. everything is tehre.
just that.
i am.
deprived.
i feel un-teenager-ish
i feel like i just came out of a prison. unknowing of the world.
i feel. dumb.

how to calm down? how to not emo? how to ANYTHING?
life isnt all about results anymore.
i can cram out the reulsts without a problem.
when people take 2 hours to study, i take 15 minutes.
when people take 2 weeks to understand, i take 5 minutes.
that is me.
BUT WHEN PEOPLE GO OUT, IM AT HOME STARING AT FOOTBALL MANAGER.
WHEN PEOPLE ENJOY THEMSELVES IM STUCK HOME STARING AT A COMPUTER SCREEN.
WHEN PEOPLE ARE EARNING MONEY IM EATING SHIT>
FUCK THE FUCKING WORLD U FUCKERS>

2008-09-04T21:06:00.001-07:00

i conveniently forgot to mention.
CHAPTER 5 Us HISTORY QUIZ.
BIO TEST.
CALCULUS TEST.
all in one day. and i dun get to see certain ppl.
so well. bad day ahead of me.

2008-09-04T17:18:00.000-07:00

my mood is significantly better today, though im stil as tired.
well. just one teacher pissed me off today.
my calc teacher questioned my credentials to take calculus.
i told him. i will get an A in your class.
wth who does he think he is? american education istn the best in the world =.= i simply ignored to tell him that I AM THE ONE. who got SECOND PLACE and HONOR ROLL - DISTINCTION. for AMC-8. and SCORING ABOVE 90 for AMC-10. question ME?
fine those were much easier but really that shows that american mathematics education isnt the best. because even I GOT SUCH GOOD MARKS.

anyways. im still in a pretty good mood. lalala. bio essay today was easy. pwned.
i forgot to do my stats hw. first time this year. see im so hardworking.
apush was. boring.
and calc was niao.

okay end of story.
lalala my piano student's bday is in 5 days. damn. being the ever caring tcher. i should give her sth. damn.
anyways i was trying to teach her san shou lian tan hehe. damn fun.

sometimes i feel people misunderstand me. sometimes i think back and realise i shouldnt have said what i said. im so afraid of people misunderstanding me. are my actions wrong?
i dont know. and i never will. zz. here we go again. but the person who i think may have misunderstood me... will never know what i meant ever. because time only goes in one direction.
well. who knows. who cares. just work on how i speak and carry myself then.
hopefully people will understand who i am. and what i really mean.

i <3 someone(s).

2008-09-03T16:48:00.001-07:00

i just wanna say the below mentioned characters are all fictional and do not represent any real people.

inferiority.

unfairness.

disgust.

this morning... i crammed my breakfast in, left the house, and went to school. theres a peer counseling meeting, in fact, the first meeting of the year.

so.. IT HAD BREAKFAST. but me being me, i dint eat any coz i believed... i should cut down on my calories. hahaz.

and so it gone by. the counselor/advisor preaching on how commitment is important bla bla. like i don't know already... retreat this saturday. sian one whole day gone.
so thats the start of the day.

yea.. AP bio. Which of the following follows the structure of (CH2O)n?
A) some polysaccharide cant rmb wad.
B) some disaccharide cant rmb wad
C) fructose.
D) another dissacharied cant rmb wad
E) all of the above.

guess what. his answer is E and i was like no onli fructose has that formula. he was like NO carbohydrates all have roughly the same as this. i know dehydration synthesis and he blabbers on.
POINT IS. isnt it about exact? ISNT BIOLOGY EXACT? IS H2O STILL H2O is ITS h3O?
NO! ANY DIFFERENCE. ALBEIT SMALL IN MOLECULAR STRUCTURE OR FORMULA> CHANGES A WHOLE LOT OF SHIT.
so. he was like. DONT ARGUE WITH ME.
i said okay thank you sir.

thats not all.
later he go in front of whole class. IF U WANT TO LEARN U ASK ME. IF U WANT TO CHALLENGE ME, I WILL NOT EVEN TALK TO U. COZ IM HUMAN SO I DONT RESPOND WELL TO CHALLENGES.
what bullshit. as a teacher u make changes if you are wrong. and you are.
im not naming any tchers. but i really think i am right in this case also because during biology in singapore we learnt carbs as CnH2mOm. yea.
idk. well.
so other questions i dint dare to ask.
i do not respond well to criticism as well. but out of respect.
SIMPLY. out of respect.

later in the day. dear old calculus tcher gave me attitude too.
he had an answer or e^2/(1-e^2) and he insisted on checking it algebraically.
i asked him since e is an NUMBER. 2.71. why not just freaking pluck the number in? he says OH IN THE TEST I EXPECT TO SEE THIS. U UNDERSTAND? bla bla bla.

wtf.
so next time i get an answer of 2 i must convert it to 1+1 and go check my answer? haiz. idk.

forget it. too pissed. today sucked. TOTALLY.
some people attituded me too.
and these people had the most impact on my day.
certain stuff maybe inaapproriate for posting.

2008-09-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

hmm... interesting..

Dear Ji,
The Sun, the heart of our solar system, is aligning with serious Saturn while the Moon, ruler of our emotions, is in Libra -- the relationship sign. So what are you waiting for?
It's time to get serious about your love life. According to master astrologer Jeff Jawer, "Get the information you need to decide if you should go deeper in a current partnership or get serious about a potential relationship."

lol. potential? no potential at all.
but its kinda interesting seeing people predict your life using saturn and mars and all those. i personally don't believe much. but it certainly seems quite true sometimes... so.. well. idk.

school is boring. woke up at 6.30 and couldn't sleep anymore. so.. im tired. like right now. 3.34pm.
and i was literally sleeping in calculus class until the tcher woke me up.
TCHER: "sit up straight. have u been doing your homework?
"errrr... yeeeeeeeeeeee... no."
TCHER: "where are your parents now?"
i was freaked out. so i was like. "somewhere?"
TCHER: "u must know where they are. are they working?"
"i guess?"
TCHER: "why do they work?"
"to earn money?"
TCHER: "who do they earn money for?"
"whoever who needs it?"
TCHER: "do you spend their money?"
"errr. ya?"
TCHER: "since they are working for you, you should be working too. if my lesson is too easy for you, start working."

omg i seriously freaked out. but anyways, me being me, iw ill make sure i pwn the quizes and tests that come my way. only then can i prove my true ability.

here i would like to criticize certain people, certain stupid people, i don't even know their names. but they are dumb. and... i guess im happy that they are dumb.
two quizzes today: stats and bio.
idiots. took. the. whole. 1 hour. twenty. minutes. to. do. three. questions. of. stats. which. is. the. easiest. of. all. finding medians and means and all that. wth=.=
but thanks to them we have no homework. so yea. not bad. maybe that was their plan in the first place XD
bio quiz was around the same though i should say i was too um. cocky. i finished the quiz in like 1/3 of the time the next person finished and without checking i handed in. cool huh. probably screwed but me being me i wont screw much xD SUPER FUNDAMENTALS FROM SINGAPORE! yaye. all hail leefy. though his.... biochem part is too shallow for my lessons now. MUCH SHALLOWER in fact.
and lucky for me... theres no nid to do bio reviews hehe. apo and mish all hav to do. i pwn.

okay anyways. heard a joke today.
an ant has 6 legs. right?
when it walks thru a pile of cowdung, only 4 sets of footprints were left on the ground. why was that so?

coz two of his legs are pinching his nose so he doesnt faint of the smell.
LOL

im tired. gotta mug apush tonight i guess. screwed up first quiz 33/40.
and founding brothers quiz 12/25.
haiz. essay was good though. i HOPE.

so tonight's plan: chest + APUSH + CALC.

"Billionaire businessman Sulaiman Al-Fahim, the front man of Manchester City's new owners Abu Dhabi United Group, says he is willing to spend £135m on Cristiano Ronaldo to bring the Manchester United winger. (The Guardian, 2147 BST)"
WOW. $.$

this is what life is all about. hell.
i feel seduced today for some reason. LOL. jkjk. but it was nice xD

EDIT: THE NEXT TIME I STEP INTO AN ASIAN COUNTRY LIKE MALAYSIA, SINGAPORE TAIWAN OR CHINA, IM GONA EAT THE HELL OUT OF MYSELF. I DINT RLY HAVE THE CHANCE TO TASTE ALL THE DELICAcIES PROPERLY. (at least not all at once)DAMN THEY LOOK GOOD. THE TV WAS SHOWIN TAIWANESE FOOD. ALTHOUGH THEY REMIND ME OF SINGAPORE STUFF ITS STILL. WELL. SPECIAL.

TAIWAN FTW.

EDIT2: thanks paulina for the keychain from vegas.

2008-09-01T22:27:00.001-07:00

i deserve more.

2008-09-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

Warning: SOCCER POST (scroll down non soccer fans)
EDIT EDIT: BERBA SIGNS FOR MAN UTD FOR 30.75 mil WITH FRAIZER CAMPBELL GOING ON LOAN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION

8 minutes till the end of the english transfer window.
it baffles me to see that the transfer window closes on september 1st 11.59pm rather than september 1st 00.00am. but still.
the last day is always full of surprises.

OOPS. Premier League and SPL clubs now have until midnight on Monday, 1 September to sign players after the deadline was extended by 24 hours for the convenience of clubs as the previous date fell on a Sunday.
now i understand why.

Live with Jonathan Stevenson on bbc, we follow the transfers right down the wire.
A fan texted in to say:
Who ever thought the player regarded as the 'new Pele' would end up playing for Man City? Definitely not me."Anderson: The Future Of Manchester United on 606

but stevenson made a good point - anyone born in brazil after 1970 HAS BEEN DUBBED THE NEW PELE!
hes got a nice one there.

okay back to the main point. berbatov's transfer is still not finalised. man city has made a bid but robinho is going there.. so where is berba going? definitely manchester united.
just 5 more minutes to the end of the transfer saga. how interesting.
personally i do not see the need for berbatov in the manchester united team, a team aiming for long term victories instead of shortsightedness. maybe fergie is senile? or maybe he's only thinking about his own reign. Berbatov is 27. He's not worth the 30 million reported. Is fergie making the same mistake as did real madrid when they buyed david beckham? For 30 million, robinho is a much better choice - young, fast, albeit a bit brainless. Keeping fraizer campbell for the future might be a better choice.

Scrolling through the transfers, Liverpoor has brought in a few unknown players, what rafa likes to do anyways.. Nothing really special, and not many actually make an impact. Hull signs cousin, does that mean fraizer is off to tottenham? i dont know. Liverpool actually sold finnan and loaned out voronin. What's the point of buyin voronin if you buy just to sell?
Everton signs saha, good buy in my opinion. Saha has been plagued by injuries and if he can stay fit he will be a power and increase the ability of toffees tenfold. no offence toffee fans. nevertheless, he's 30 and should only be used as a stop gap measure for anichebe and other strikers to mature. collins john had been allowed to leave, RELEASED. has it occured to anyone that a few seasons ago he was fulham's top scorer and dubbed the next big thing in holland? has it occured to anyone hes still just 23 this year? RELEASING your top striker? weird. but still roy has done well. good luck to him :D

the time has passed, hold on while i refresh my page. NO BERBATOV TRANSFER.
TRANSFER WINDOW SHUTS.

The celebration after that is still fun.
and while waiting, i will paste the transfers in and out here, and criticize our dear phil mcnulty of bbc sport.
but before that... take a look at this.
"Every time I have spoken with him he was very sad, crying and asking to leave Spain," said Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon of Robinho.
is he a man? weakling. spain cant be that bad can it?

anyways, here goes:
UPDATED AS OF 1AM GMT:
In: Blackburn (Bunn), Everton (Saha, Nash), Hull (Cousin), Liverpool (Flora, Gulacsi, Riera), Man City (Robinho), Man Utd (Berbatov), Newcastle (Gonzalez, Xisco), Portsmouth (Belhadj), Sunderland (McCartney), Stoke (Higginbotham), Tottenham (Pavlyuchenko, Corluka, Campbell), West Brom (Donk)
Out: Bolton (Dzemaili), Fulham (Zakuani, John, Smertin), Liverpool (Finnan, Voronin), Man City (Corluka, Vidal), Man Utd (Saha, Campbell), Portsmouth (Cranie, Christophe), Sunderland (Higginbotham), Stoke (Parkin), Tottenham (Berbatov), West Ham (McCartney), Wigan (Bouaouzan, Nash, Sibierski)

ahhhback to dear ol' phil. not scolari, mcnulty.

ZZZ 5 MINUTES AFTER TRANSFER WINDOW ENDED IT IS CONFIRMED
ROBINHO LEAVES REAL MADRID FOR MAN CITY.

back to topic. phil condemns Capello's leaving out of owen, claiming that owen will be ready for the next game in time, and is the only proven striker able to partner wayne rooney. He claims owen scores goals even when he's off form, but think again, on the international stage, who wants an off form striker, and what's the chance of one scoring goals? yep you are right. close to none.

then he criticizes defoe and walcott:
Jermain Defoe has yet to produce a defining moment at international level, while Theo Walcott has yet to deliver on a consistent basis for Arsenal, let alone England.

These players have not been given the chance! And if owen continues playing even though hes substandard, these players will still not have the chance to prove themselves. Defoe has been dubbed the one for the future. Hes 24, and with rooney and owen shining over him all along, how can he succeed? It is time for someone to realise that reputation is not everything. Form decides games, not reputation, not skill, but FORM.

Phil even criticizes bullard. For years i've been saying. BUY BULLARD in FPL. HE OWNS ASS.
and own ass he does. just look at him, before his injury, he was near the top of the midfielder's scoring. he got a nasty injury, and now hes back, better than ever. Anyone who've seen him play will know. He controls the fulham midfield. But now dear phil says OH HES 29. LETS MAKE WAY FOR THE FUTURE.
what bullshit. right here i remind everyone, that owen IS 29 TOO. Bullard has performed MUCH better than Owen did, obviously he deserves a chance. Anyways, with the injuries coming in, who IS better than BULLARD?
and he harps ont he fact that woodgate has been left out, that lescott is in. Has tottenham been playing well? i dont think so, so why criticize everton? Besides, who cares who get picked, the starting two HAS TO BE terry and ferdi isnt it? Not only do they have reputation, but also the form.

phil is also getting senile. blinded by reputation.

ABRAMOVICH HAS BEEN OUTBID BY MANCITY HAHAHAHHA.

that's all for today i guess. no news of berbatov.

2008-09-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

i'm weak. extremely weak.
feeble-minded.
feeble-bodied.

well. just weak.

two days ago, technically its yesterday, i slept at 3.30am.
thinking.
and that's all i did.
i wasn't gonna take my chances to be on the computer, its just too bright, and i was supposed to sleep long before that. but no, sleep can wait. sleep, of such importance, of such value, was put behind everything else.
i was on my bed since 1.30, as i said, thinking. i wanted someone, a friend, to talk to.
someone who is real.
someone who will talk just for the sake of talking.
it was an hour and ten minutes, and i was glad that none of it was actually the main topic.

yet, i woke up at 7.30. just 4 hours after i slept.
tired i was, but i tried not to appear weak. we went for soccer.
but hooray. just peter turned up, and we ended the session of three people in 15 minutes.
life IS BORING for me.
i browsed through my bio book, struggling to stay awake, focused, and finally finished the chapter. maybe my life would be ingested with fun after schoolwork. BUT NO!.
iwent to sleep after lunch and a "mystery diagnosis" tv thingi. TOLOSA HUNT xD COLD AGGLUTININ

so sleep i did, and woke up 2 and a half hours later. life seriously sucks.
after dinner it was tv, hw, SAT. fullstop.
im weak and feeble, i seek power from the strong, i follow the pack.

p.s. i nid shopping ;D

2008-08-31T01:17:00.000-07:00

throughout my life, i have always wondered, how could it be so bad?

how could a person's heart prove so fragile. and how could a person do such heinous things?

why are there bad people in the world? why are there people who live to kill?

why are there people who break people's heart, brain, body, whatever.

i don't know. but there are such people.

these people, are vicious.

Self centered, selfish gits they are.

i am utterly disappointed in these people.

not only do they harm themselves, they harm others.

permanent harm, one that scars, one that will never leave the harmed.

life is sad.

lies. lies. and more lies.

apologies are worth nothing.

yet again this proves.

i stand alone.

my literary juices ran dry.

no words can describe my feelings right now.

utterly devastated.

today, Jee is dead.

and for a long long time, he will stay dead.

unmoving, unbreathing, un loving. empty.

but dear ol' Jee doesnt die without a cause, he will bring the murderers down WITH HIM.

it will be sometime, before i am alive again.

今天，黄佶死了。八月三十一日凌晨一点二十七分。

死因不明。

2008-08-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

Letters start coming in, and excitement builds up.
What i've been working for for years draws close.
Universities.

Every year, universities take in students, and every year, they strive to attract the best and only the best. What brings a student to harvard instead of stanford, what brings a student to columbia instead of cornell? Just one word, publicity.
Publicity serves its purpose in attracting the best students year after year, and thus the cycle continues. But as more schools recognize the benefits of sending a few letters, this practice may not serve its purpose anymore.

But still, the great feeling of achievement, the feelings of exhilaration, that schools are interested in you and hope you are interested in them, simply cant be denied. Yes. i feel good.
three letters thus far, two more years, and i certainly hope, that i will be the one to make a choice, and not get chosen.

University of Chicago:
ARWU rankings - 9th
THES - QS World Universities Ranking - 7th
Top Universities (Newsweek) - 20th
Webometrics -15th
PRWU - 35th
National Universities Rankings - 8th

Grad School
Business: 5th to 1st
Law: 6th
Public Policy: 7th
Medicine: 15th
Social Service Admin (wth is this O.o): 3rd
Divinity (Harry Potter???): 1st

Washington University in St. Louis:
ARWU rankings - 29th
THES - QS World Universities Ranking - 161th
Top Universities (Newsweek) - 33rd
Webometrics - 46th
PRWU - none
National Universities Rankings - 12th

Grad School
Law:19th
Business: 25th
Medicine: 3rd
Social Work: 1st
Arch and Design: 5th

Oberlin College:
Liberal Arts Ranking - 20th

Glad i am, and i hope glad i will be. i am definitely looking forward to receiving more letters. (without subscribing them) :D
but yet again, i believe half the school got them. and this is not the end yet. These schools merely showed an interest, nothing is confirmed. In fact, its less than an interest, ANYONE who took AP in sophomore year got it. so why the big fuss? coz i love what i see.
the sense of achievement.

the best is yet to be.

(singapore dudes please theres no nid to remind me this is from acs)
I stand alone, yet succeed i must.
i repeat. the best is yet to be.

2008-08-09T12:10:00.000-07:00

it has been quite sometime since i posted... since some interestingly cowardly bastard hacked my account and screwed my code, taking away my motivation.

but the prince never falters.

i was watching.. the opening ceremony, such proudness, in each of the countries, the athletes' eyes glimmering, smiling widely. for some of them, the opening ceremony may just be their olympics. even those countries with just 1 athlete, or 2, they held their head high, proud of themselves, proud of their countries.
singapore came out, yet i saw just one familiar face - jia wei.

the great army of china... 634 athletes. how majestic..

then. there was 10m air pistol men finals. the feeling of nostalgia. the feeling of envy. all came back. the same equipment that i was using a year ago, i saw them again. it was ever so familiar.
perhaps i'll take it up during college again, perhaps i will one day make it big.
if wangyifu can do it at 44, i can do it.
and then apopletic feelings set in...
just a year ago, i was face to face with the worlds top. olympic 5th this time, this woman.
olympic 20th, this round faced guy. he lost out in qualifying by a mere 3 points.
i was face to face, but my lack of guts stopped me.
and right now, all i have, are memories of the past. memories of shooting in the same range as the world's best. memories...

go china.

btw usa got gold, silver AND bronze for fencingzz. good job team usa :D

2008-08-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

he woke up, sweating. but no, it wasn't a nightmare, the day was just too hot and neither the ac nor the fan was on. he scrambled for his glasses, put them on, and checked the time. it was 7. 7.03 to be exact. yet another boring day, he thought.

and that proved to be true... a few words with a few friends half the globe away, he left the house, ready for another day of taxing life at Ivy Institute.
Ivy Institute was not exactly an institute, it was more of a tuition centre, where many courses are offered. He, of course, was taking the scholarstic aptitude test. Compared to other centres, Ivy Institute's success was hugely limited, and he could prove to be the break through.
He was a clever child, the only child in a middle class family. He knew he had the ability to score well, he had always performed well since he was in elementary school.
He had been anticipating this course for weeks, but it was a disappointment, nothing new, it was only useful in keeping this usually lazy boy on the chair, doing work.
well, it may have a certain use, but it wasnt anywhere worth the money spent.

the only other interesting event of his day was the trip to the gym. filled with apprehension, he was not certain about going, what if he was weak? what if he was fat? what if?
none of those happened. yet another enjoyable night well spent.
muscle aching, he gave up the school registration, procrastinating yet again.
he now lay on the bed, typing a story about himself.
yes. it is me.

the prince.

2008-08-02T16:40:00.001-07:00

this is the prince